Finding Forgiveness

By Mandi 05/19/2015

Do you guys ever feel like you just want to talk, heart to heart style? I’ve been struggling lately (hence the lack of posting).  When I’m feeling less than positive my creativity shrivels up and I find myself in this cycle of frustration for not wanting to work and frustration for not having ideas that motivate me to work.  Basically its a lot of frustration and that just makes the entire thing worse. #frustrating

I’m no stranger to the reality that hard things make you a better person.  So as I’ve been embracing the crap and sifting through it for nuggets of understanding, I’ve also been learning a lot about myself.  And hello, we all could use a little bit more self awareness and clarity right?  So I thought I would share.  I don’t do this kind of stuff often because I know most of you are here for project ideas and paint colors, but I hope that maybe the stuff that I’ve learned about myself the last little bit could maybe help one of you.  Feel free to come back tomorrow if you are only lookin for projects, I’ve got a goooood one.

Ok so, you know those things that weigh on your heart? Like every time you think about a person or the way that you handled a situation you are stabbed with guilt and regret?  I have. I do.  You would think that sitting in two 12 Step meetings a week for the last 5 years would have helped me work through it right?   Sometimes it takes a shift in our self awareness to be willing to do the work to get rid of these things.  So I have 2 stories for you about forgiving ourselves and others. 

Many years ago I worked for a really great family.  It was at the time that I was pregnant with Ivie and Court was at the height of his addiction/in jail.  I was so over my head in turmoil that I wasn’t able to see what a huge blessing their stability and love was to me.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in our own perspective that we are unable to see the situation with clarity.  This is exactly what happened to me.  I left the store on not great terms because of the way that I chose to handle things.  I severed a relationship that I didn’t think I needed anymore for reasons that I cant even remember.  For 10 years I have felt bad about it.  Guys, 10 years is a really long time.  The family had since moved out of St. George so I didn’t have to worry about running into them (because hello, that adds a whole new level of guilt to it right?) but I still thought about the situation frequently.  About a month ago I finally got enough courage to message them on FB.  I apologized and told them how sorry I was for the way that I acted.  When I hit send it was one of the scariest things that I’ve done in a really long time.  I wasn’t sure how they would respond.  I’d heard rumors from former coworkers that they hated me and thought I was a horrible person, but I didn’t want to live with the stabs of guilt anymore.  They say people don’t change until the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution.  That is where I was.  It was less painful to send the message than it was to worry, and project my over dramatic feelings onto the situation, and feel bad anymore. 

The response that I got was wonderful.  For 10 years I had created this insurmountable problem in my mind and pushed away these people who cared about me at my worst because I was embarrassed and ashamed.  How tragic and honestly what a waste of energy. It’s incredible how quickly healing can come when we want it more than we want to hold onto the pain.

This weekend we were at Dylan’s dance recital (she was absolutely adorable btw) I walked out into the hallway to find Court and found him talking to a family that he used to work for at the height of his addiction (obviously we are super into that sort of thing?) It was so great for me to see them, they had always been so wonderful to him, especially when he didn’t deserve it.  As we were standing there talking, one of them started to cry.  Before Court and I were married she sat down and told me that I could do so much better and should leave, and for like 13 years had felt horrible about it.  She avoided the restaurant and was so concerned that we were still mad at her about it.  Truthfully I didn’t even remember it, I mean lets be honest, everyone in my life at that time had that conversation with me.  But she held onto the guilt about it.  I was so glad that she said something so that I could tell her my point of view of the situation, that they were wonderful and I was so grateful for the support that they gave Court.

9 times out of 10 the situation is SO much worse in our minds.  When Ivie was a baby I swear every time I turned on the TV the same commercial would come on with its stupid catchphrase “Immunize by 2, its up to you!”  I was a first time mom and in the aftermath of Courts addiction.  Whenever I would hear that phrase I was racked with guilt because I was convinced that Ivie wasn’t completely immunized and that I was the worst and only mother on the planet that had messed this up.  I felt like I had already failed her so many times in her short life. I couldn’t even do this one thing right.  It was horrible.  Finally when she was 3 I had had enough and swallowed my pride and embarrassment and called the Dr. to make an appointment to get her all caught up.  Guess what?  She already was.  She had been immunized the entire time.  And hellooooo, there are people who don’t immunize their kids at all (lets not open that can of worms).  I had made this so much bigger in my mind than it was in reality.  Its really easy to do that.  We feel like we are too far gone, we’ve failed too many times to find peace in our lives again.  Its simply not true.  There is always a way back, it might not be easy but man oh man its worth it.

When people hurt us it is only normal to want answers, but the thing is sometimes we don’t get them. And guess what? We get to move forward anyway.  Their choice and the way they handle the situation is filtered through their life skills and perception.  Not ours.  The best we can do is find the nugget in the junk and let it make us more compassionate toward others and grateful that we are able to learn from the situation.  Because how many times are we the ones that wronged others?  And don’t you want compassion and understanding too?  I know I do.

Mostly I just want you guys to know that I think you are wonderful.  That’s all. Life is hard enough without unnecessary weight of choices that we’ve made that we are still lugging around.  Stop agonizing over the details and your part in them. Take a deep breath and reach out.  Its pretty incredible when the weight is gone. 

xo
M

73 thoughts on “Finding Forgiveness”

  1. I learned a bit more about you here. Looks like you are more special than I thought. “Dude” (I’m 52, that word does not come out of my mouth very often- wInK!), keep on rocking it. Enjoy your posts and sensibility so much. Don’t force it. It won’t be genuine…and so far you are genuine gold. :)))

    1. I have to agree with you Lynda! I have learned more about Mandi as well. I am 57 and have been battling some similar things in my life and have agonized over them for so many years. I keep thinking I will write letters or email people that I have felt that I have wronged or said something I probably shouldn’t have or what I said came out different then I had meant for it to. I am glad I am not the only one who feels like this! I have a lot of respect for you Mandi for being genuine and opening up about things that most wouldn’t. It sure makes us feel like we are not alone in all our struggles.

  2. Mandi – I’m new-ish to the whole DIY furniture/decorating thing and your blog is always one of my favs. In the last several months I’ve started working with my neighbor to create/renovate fun pieces.

    I love your sense of style and eye for design! But I’m glad you’re willing to share deeper stuff too. I’ve read your story with your husband… I have a couple addicts who I love dearly. I’m so thankful for the hope in your story. And this post is a great reminder.

  3. I am going to share this with my 12 year old daughter. The other day she was so upset that the mermaid drawing she ‘inked’ didn’t come out right. I think your post speaks to the creative mind and letting go/moving on. Really enjoy your blog and your silver lining 😉 These are not easy things to put into words or have the personal awareness to even recognize. Very powerful.

  4. Thanks for your authenticity. I truly appreciate that you put yourself out there in many ways. It’s so refreshing!

  5. I had a personal epiphany a few months ago. I’d been in a funk for a while, feeling guilty about all the mistakes I make, all the ways I wasn’t perfect. I decided that I needed to pull an Elsa and “let it go.” I believe guilt is important in helping us identify what we need to work on in life, but if we hang on to that guilt, it hinders our progress. I decided to to fix what I could fix and let the rest go. It was a huge relief! “Men are, that they might have joy,” according to scripture. You are right, we need to seek pardon when we have wronged someone. We need to restore what we can restore. But once we do that, even if the wronged person can’t forgive, we need to move on and not dwell on our mistakes. I really admire you and appreciate your openness. I wish more people were as honest about their problems. I think we would be less apt to compare our worst to others’ best.

  6. Oh boy ! I had this exact conversation with a loved one yesterday that has been deeply hurt by another person’s actions, lies and betrayal. I reassured him over and over again that poor choices always lead to consequences and that the weight of guilt would one day catch up to this person. It always does…just like you said. And sooner or later we all have to deal with that guilt.

  7. Don’t feel bad about your break…I think there’s an epidemic of blogger guilt going around for about 9 months now. When you force the content your readers can tell and they get tired of it, amiright? I have a blog. I started feeling that way last fall, then my mom died at Christmas and I’ve been a mess ever since. My mom shined at Christmas, was totally not fair that she die then, of all times. I stopped caring about cleaning my house – how are you supposed to blog about your house when it’s filthy? You’re not. How are you supposed to blog about decor when you still have your silver antlers out and pinecones all over when the ground is literally pushing up daisies? You’re not. You go crawl in bed with a bucket of food (icecream for me) and tissues and miss your mom and let the internet go find something else to read…

    Also – yay for Court! He did right by himself, his kids and you. Y’all must be really special for him to overcome that big of a mountain. I’m sure your friends see that and are happy for you.

    1. Brooke I am so sorry to hear about your mom! Most bloggers are gearing up for Christmas now so you are actually ahead of the curve;) Love you lady, praying for you!

      xo
      m

  8. Mandi,
    I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now and admire your honesty (and, of course, your style!) This is a wonderful post and you hit the nail on the head when you say that the “problem”, 99% of the time, is worse in your mind than it actually is. Apologizing is soooo good for the soul – nothing will ever make you feel better, except, maybe, forgiving!

  9. Well you don’t know me, Mandi, but you wrote this post for me. Today, this is what I needed to read. For the past couple of months I’ve been dealing with a lot of pain caused by someone very close to me and sometimes it just surfaces and is so strong and I want all the answers. But this, this is what I needed to hear today: “When people hurt us it is only normal to want answers, but the thing is sometimes we don’t get them.” Thanks.

  10. I know you don’t post every day, but I look every day just in case! Thank you for your message today. I’ve tried mending bridges with my sister, but she refuses (we gave her husband a job when he was being fired and 3 years later when our mortgage company closed, through no fault of our own, she blamed me for her hard times). We were both hurting- I had to move to the East Coast, try and find a job and start my life over when my entire family is on the West Coast. It was hard on all of us and we still haven’t recuperated financially at all. She was my best friend and hasn’t talked to me for 6 years. I miss her every day and send her texts every once in a while to let her know I love her and miss her. Maybe someday she will feel the same. Until then I just carry on!
    So, today after a long day of work I read your email. Instead of going to my room to read alone and have quiet time because I am exhausted, I will love extra on my kids and husband because they do let me love them! xoxo

  11. Hi Mandi,
    I’m sitting here, on the other side of the world, on a bright Australian morning, with tears running down my face. For such a young woman you have so much truth and knowledge in your words, and you’ve shared them with others. Talk about random acts of kindness! You are right, we all carry stuff like this in our heads, chatting away to us, undoing us. Usually it’s just our perception of events, our lack of understanding about what someone actually meant, or intended to happen, or what WE actually meant or intended to happen. I honestly think reaching out and doing what we, as individuals, can do to make sure we clear up those misunderstandings and hurt, is the simplest way to letting that pain go. At least then we can put the thing into a box, knowing we did everything we could to take the hurt away.

    Well done to you Mandi. You sound like you’ve lived an unusual life, and have had the strength to find a better way. That takes incredible strength and determination. Thank you so much for sharing part of your story. One paragraph in particular resonated with me, and I’ll be printing it out and displaying it on my wall.

    Love to you xxx

  12. Wow, Mandi. As a longtime reader(and less than faithful commenter-I am so sorry about that)I hope today YOU feel the JOY you have given us by sharing your work and how you faced challenges in life. We are loyal readers because you are such a giving spirit who reminds us to embrace life. Design can be very therapeutic for us ladies-when we are in a jam in our lives the life stories you tell are like a hug:) Lives of others can look perfect from the outside, especially to those of us who strive to make it pretty. And boy, us ladies want to make family pretty…and sometimes there are members of the family struggling, sometimes we are struggling-and its just not pretty. Its messy, it can be downright ugly and seem hopeless. Shame and regret can be a hard boulder to push along in life. Us kind souls do not want that for others but we can spend months and years heaving that boulder forward.You are right 100%. I am proud of you and your work, whether its of the heart or a bada$$ trailer. Thank you for sharing your life:)

  13. You are doing great and shouldn’t be hard on yourself. Your family has been through a lot and you are overcoming and succeeding!

  14. what irony that your article should come on the same day a cousin should email about their decision to remove a very unwanted occupant in their lives – the grudges that were rolling about in their brains as a very unwanted guests and the relief they had experienced because of that decision. they attributed it to an article I had shared with them about His Grace.
    Thank you for an affirming blog entry today. Has to be His Timing.

  15. Grace and peace be with you and your family.
    Creative people are super-sensitive. Musicians and artists are an example. They can pull unique meanings out of everyday life, and direct into art or song. But, along with this super-sensitivity, life can be overwhelmingly harsh.
    To better express myself: For example, a fair skinned child needs sunscreen to block out harmful sun rays. Sometimes, if sunscreen is forgotten, the rays cause painful sunburn.
    In life sometimes harmful things get by our defense shields.

  16. Thanks for sharing your story so honestly. The biggest problems often are the ones we build in our own heads. You show that our own heads also lead to resolution of the conflicts we fear or dwell on. Well done, sweet girl.

  17. I’m sure it’s not easy to share or write these things so I want to thank you. I absolutely know what you are talking about. I think it is part of growing up and learning how to communicate and working hard to be a better person. Feeling guilty is the worst and I think about situations that happened when I was in my teens or twenties that just make me cringe. But I’m glad they happened because now in my 30’s I’m more prepared for situations/conversations. They are still hard, of course…but I’m more understanding and thoughtful. And, I know when I see other people make mistakes or handle things poorly, I am more forgiving because I’ve been there. This post was a nice reminder to slow down and think about life a little bit. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.

  18. Mandi, Just the other day I was shopping aka wandering aimlessly through Marshall’s when I heard a little girl talking very loudly. She was getting on my nerves and I was getting tense when she began to sing “Let it Go”. I laughed and realized that she was right. Everyone around me was smiling, too.

    A little perspective is always a good thing….

  19. Thank you so much for your words! You have given me inspiration to make a few calls myself! I love your blog and your honesty! Thank you again.

  20. Your blog touched my heart. I am going through a situation that is similar in some ways, I can relate to Kay’s post. My son has distanced himself from me, my husband, and our daughter, his sister. We have been living with this heartbreaking situation for the past 11 years. It started shortly after he was married and there has been no reason given for his behavior. We have second guessed every conversation, action, inaction and can come up with no reason and he will not say why. It has been a living hell but we have no choice but to live with it. We have tried talking to no avail. He has nourished a relationship with my sister since his distance from us and it has caused hurt feelings for those of us he has rejected. I had a strained relationship with my sister for many years because of this but I couldn’t live with that and we have reconciled. I needed to forgive for myself…it was eating me alive that she could have the love of my son and I could not. We still don’t know why he has rejected us but I pray for him every day and hope that he will have a happy and productive life. Hang in there Mandi, you are doing great and with the love of your family, no mountain is too high to climb. I love reading your blog!!

    1. Linda-
      I hope someday your son realizes that family is most important and that the years don’t continue to pile up. It’s hard not knowing why it happened with your son, and equally as hard knowing why my sister stopped talking to me but not understanding how she could feel this way. We can’t control what others think or perceive. I wish you the best.
      Kay

  21. Bless your heart for sharing this. Once in a while opening up your life to your readers is a great way for them to see that you are human (like we didn’t know from your awesome posts already ;). We’re all learning and sometimes the path is short and sometimes its long.
    I was told a great thing by a counsellor (as I have some pretty skookum anxiety issues) and she said with any situation to figure out ‘what is the 1 true sentence’ of what’s happening. Ie: oh my God my kid hasn’t come home yet, they must be in a ditch and I have to go the hospital and and and…. Well the only true part of that is that they haven’t called – the rest is just fiction, a story I’ve made up in my head. It works like a charm and could’ve come in handy over the last 10 years for you!
    You are lovely and human and perfect just the way you are…
    ~Kylie

  22. Thank you. This is just what I needed to read right now. Now, off to try and get motivated and let go of some of the guilt 😉

  23. Oh dear, dear Mandi. Do you have any idea how many hearts you just touched? Coloring our hearts with your bare skinned words is the most important kind of color you can and will ever paint. I hope you will trust in our words that we would like to hear this side of you more often. That this is a huge part of who you are and why you are here. You are so wise for all you’ve been through and your words could change just one life that makes it all worth it. When starting this blog you must have thought, “but what if I fail?” While shaking in your boots. But look darling… you fly!!! If you build it, they will come. If you paint it, they will applaud. If you open your heart, they will come… And stay. And love you even more. Be You, BE you, be you! It inspires us to do the same. Keep this wisdom coming. It is like the Pantone color of the year for our souls. 😉
    and one more thing… you said, “It was so great for me to see them, they had always been so wonderful to him, especially when he didn’t deserve it.” Isn’t it such an oxymoron of sorts that we as human beings think that one’s behavior means they don’t deserve love? I actually kind of loathe the word “deserve”. That is why the forgiveness you speak of is so important. When someone is hurting, that is when they need or “deserve” love the most. That’s how Christ did things. So should we. I know it’s hard, but dang I feel so bad for those that get caught in the dark hole of addiction. And any other worldly pitfall for that matter. It can happen to any one of us at any stinkin’ time. One choice. We all deserve love in any season of life. Because compared to God we are nothing. But to God, we are everything. Love your guts.

  24. Read every word. Thank you for your honesty & transparency. I am inspired by the fact that you can be dealing with some major life things and pursue/attain your professional dreams.

  25. Talk about perceptions. I am laughing at myself right now! So when I saw your email in my inbox with the subject “Finding Forgiveness” I thought for sure you going to ask my forgiveness for how I still haven’t received the GE Reveal + HD prize from your giveaway last month and that you would make sure I got it ASAP. SEE? We only view things from our own perspectives and experiences. I have been running to my mailbox EVERY DAY to see if my prize is there. So Mandi. Thanks for expanding my perspective. And also. WHERE IS MY PRETTY NEW LIGHTBULB? much love from Roosevelt, UT!

  26. Usually when bloggers post things unrelated to their usual content, I have to be honest, I often find it off-putting, but when you post something like this, it is clearly genuine and insightful and is just hits at the soul of people’s lives. Your words about remembering that when others hurt you it is due to their perspective/life skills and not personal to you helped give me perspective today and let go and forgive. Thank you for that and for always being real and vulnerable–whether posting about your creative process or life in general.

  27. Thanks for sharing. I think every female has a form of these stories. We are guilt carriers. Forgiveness is a huge lifesaver. For both sides. Let’s face it life is HARD.

  28. I love that you shared this 🙂 I also feel like I have hung on to regrets for a long time, I even feel guilty about things that I did as a child, so its great to hear that you got such a nice response from the family you used to work for. When I think about people who have hurt me in the past, I realise that I forgave them a long time ago, so why wouldn’t other people forgive us??
    I love these posts, Mandi (obviously I love the DIY’s too)

  29. Here’s a virtual hug from me to you. Great post filled with raw and honest emotions. I really believe that there is always someone reaching out to you with love; you just have to swallow your pride or fear and let the light in. Thanks for your strength to write and share this post!

  30. Thanks Mandi! And we creative people make up not only stories in our heads, but full blown Mini Series or even Epic Sagas :~\ yikes

  31. This is why I still read blogs. Thank you !
    Find the nugget in the Junk…I will always remember that phrase!

  32. YOU my dear are amazeballs, and you once again nailed it. I held on to a misconception for 25 years! 25 painful years. And I made choices based on what I “thought” had happened and how I “thought” I had made someone feel. Turns out that person was feeling guilt the whole time and was wishing they could set things right with me. Well, low and behold, we were reunited through a mutual friend, cleared up all misunderstanding, and have been together for the past 10 years! Thank you for this post. I think you will touch a LOT of people with it!

  33. there is so much good in this post and I’m truly grateful for it. having the courage to put things right can have an exponentially lightening effect on ourselves, those we’ve wronged and those who learn from our example, so thank you for being brave enough to share.

    just a quick note: I was surprised and disappointed to see that someone who has been through enough in life to be beyond surface judgements would throw in a clearly judgemental and and alienating comment about parents who choose not to immunize their kids. you are not walking their path. you don’t know what experience, education and thoughtfulness went into their decision. leaving that kind of uncompassionate negativity out of your next heartfelt post might give strength to your message.

    1. Lauren, I feel like you might have misinterpreted what I said. I think that everyone has the respondsibility to make the choices that are best for their families. I was using it as a point to highlight what my perception of my situation was and I said to not open the can of worms because I didn’t want the comment section to turn into an immunization debate. I know that I am extra sensitive to people’s comments about things that I am passionate about, which is possibly why that point in particular stood out to you. Anyways it was not meant in a judgmental or negative way. Have an awesome day!

      xo
      m

  34. Your words are a true tender mercy for me today! I needed to read this more than ever, so thank you! You have brought peace to my heart!

  35. Sometimes, I come across words so true, so moving and so wise that I have to stop and take a breath. You are an amazing person for sharing your heart with us. I wonder how many people will take to Facebook, email or the phone and make those connections. Thank you for your thought provoking post.

  36. What a release all around. Life is too short to hold onto that pain. Happy for you! Thx for sharing.

  37. Mandi ~ Thank you for your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable. What I am about to share is going out on a limb for me. But I want to get better. I decided this morning to figure out who I am and to learn how to deal with my stuff instead of trying to avoid it by filling the needs of others before knowing my needs and by using food so I don’t have to deal with all the stuff I don’t want to face. I hope I can be as honest with myself and others as you have been with us. I’m done with being afraid. I want to learn to accept that tough situations are more common than not and that that doesn’t mean the end of the world or that all is lost. I want to be happy, to be joyful, to be positive and let my light shine. Today is the day that I will forge ahead with new strength and courage.
    Thank you for your awesome example! <3

  38. Loved this post, and don’t worry, there’s only so much DIY you can post in a month! In college I started drinking to run away from my problems, which of course made it worse, and then I felt guilty, so there was more drinking. After college I took a break from everything and realized that the only way for things to get better is for you to make them better, using whatever you have. Guilt and regret will only make things worse. You just have to look at what you have now, and do the best you can. I would rather reach out and fail (and know I dd the best I could) than live with a bunch of shouldhaves.

  39. Please don’t ever apologize for sharing your truth or telling your story. You never know who it may touch or help. I always appreciate these type posts. All of the DIY and design posts are fun and inspiring but none of it matters if you can’t live open and honestly. Thanks for sharing, well said.

  40. Thank you so much for sharing this. It often feels as though no one else has to work through these emotions.

  41. I think you are simply fabulous….you put so much good out in the world with your sublime blog and you deserve all the goodness in your life, and the rest that is on it’s way!! All the love to you and your lovely family.

  42. I cried through most of finding forgiveness.
    Thank you so much for stopping to post this, yes, it did make a difference, yes, we all make mistakes and thus can hold us back from from expressing ourselves through our God given talents. This was a beautiful post –
    May you bloom and blossom and always realize that although we will continue to trip and fall we can get yo dust off give ourselves a hug and honor our lives that we have so grasciousky been given to learn and grow through ~

  43. Amen Sista’
    I’m the type to over analyze certain situations. It certainly is difficult to let things go when I dwell on everyone else’s feelings. Im guilty of not taking into consideration my own happiness or outcome ultimately.
    You are an inspiration. I’m not one to follow blogs, but after I saw you on the Nate Berkus show I knew you were my kinda gal. It is so nice to see a post that is honest & real.
    Keep doing what you do….it’s amazing!

  44. Somehow I stumbled on this entry today. Thank you for sharing your heart and struggles. This helped me today when I needed it most.

  45. When I found your blog, ages ago, it seems, but probably really only last year, I read about your earlier struggles, think I even commented on that post, but forgot about it, not because it’s unimportant, but because it’s not who either of you are today. You obviously love and adore each other, and you’ve chosen to praise Court, not be bitter and reminisce on the times he hurt you with his addiction.
    (* Side note: Seriously, anyone going through some bad times, where all you do is gripe about your SO and how they’re wrong, or whatever, try to praise them instead. It’ll be hard at first, but you’ll find that, pretty quickly, you’re seeing the good way more than the bad, and when you point out their good qualities, or thank them for the small things they do, they do them more, and try to be better. I thought that was the most moronic thing ever about 7 years ago, but can testify now that it is truly life-changing!)
    I’m glad you’re able to be real here, and trust that you’ll be supported.
    I’m glad you were able to resolve some of those issues, and find peace with those families. I can’t even remember all the times/people who have told me and my husband to give up on each other, and we have, but never at the same time, and, thankfully, eleven years in, and we are stronger than any other couple we know! (* See above side note 😉 )
    Love is a choice, and you don’t walk away when it’s hard. You fight, and pick each other up, dust off, and figure out how to do it better in the future! When you’re wrong, you forgive yourself, and ask forgiveness. If it’s not given, it’s on them, but you’re free. <3

  46. Ugh. I hated (and loved) to read this post. People that say they have no regrets in life are either lying or delusional. Reading your story has motivated me to revisit times in my life where I my have hurt people and have heart to heart. Thank you for your transparency. Time for me to make some phone calls.

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