"I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."
Continued from Part 2:
The life drained out of me. I have never in my life wailed uncontrollably except for at this moment. I lost feeling in my legs and collapsed. I was completely inconsolable and void of any feeling at the same time. Why would Heavenly Father do this to me? Why would he do it to our baby? WHY?
We went into the courthouse that evening and Court was smiling. He didn't know that he wasn't coming home. The second he saw my face he knew that our plans had changed.
Court was taken to the Horizon House 2 days later. I had exactly 1 month until my due date of August 16th.
This is just my opinion with my experience. My frustration with this situation comes flooding back as I write this. I am sorry if I offend anyone. I am EXTREMELY grateful that things worked out the way that they did.
Even when you are going through a hard time in your life just know that its PERFECT. Its perfect, because it is in a series of events that will take you where you eventually need to go. Its perfect, because You have a loving Heavenly Father that loves you enough to let you learn and grow. We are here to become the best Children Of God that we can be through trial and error and mistakes and heartbreak. Its how we learn to trust Him, who knows all.
The staff at the Horizon House were cruel. They were scaring sobriety into the patients. Threatening to send them back to jail at every turn. They were recovering addicts themselves, which let me make this Crystal Clear, I have zero problems with. But the tactics they used were just as manipulative as an addict in the middle of his addiction.
The first time that Courtney's Mom and I went to a Wednesday Night Family Group, I was SO EXCITED to see him and kiss him and hug him! It had been months since I held him and I just ached to touch him. I cant remember the exact circumstances regarding what the staff had told him was acceptable or not. I do remember that during our break we went outside and he was very withdrawn physically because he was worried that he would get in trouble. One of the in particular counselors was especially terrible.
That first night we were there they were showing a movie. We were sitting on the third row of chairs. We were not allowed to hold hands. Ivie started kicking really hard and I wanted Court to be able to feel it. Now, you have to remember that he had been gone the whole time that you were actually able to feel her move, he had never felt it before. I guided his hand to where she was kicking. He looked at me with astonishment and a huge smile on his face. This precious moment gave me hope. It was interrupted by theis counselor pausing the movie and yelling "Courtney, do you think that that's more important than your sobriety?" I was so hurt and embarrassed. It was like we were children getting scolded by their teacher for cheating or something.
On Sundays we were allowed to go and see him for 2 hours. I loved these moments. I could just spent the entire time just staring at him in awe...and I did.
The morning of Sunday August 3, 2003 Court called me and asked how I was feeling. I hadn't gotten out of bed yet and told him I was feeling pregnant. He told me that the house was on restriction and so we wouldn't be able to come and see him that day. He told me that he loved me and he had to get off the phone but he would call me when they were off restriction.
When I got out of bed something "felt strange" Lol. I thought that maybe my water had broke. "NOOO this isn't supposed to be happening for 2 more weeks! I am not ready to do this by myself" kept replaying in my head. I went into the hospital they nurses confirmed that it indeed had but it was higher on the placenta and was more of a slow leak (TMI?) I called the Horizon House to tell them that I was in labor. (We had been told that if Court was doing well in his groups then maybe he could come down.) The counselor gave me the number of a Tracker (a police-like officer that is in charge of drug court participants) and told me to call and see if I could convince one of them to come and pick him up and drive him 30 minutes to St. George. When I finally got through they told me that they would try but couldn't guarantee anything and to keep them posted.
So there I sat, in the hospital, by myself. I had no way of talking to Court because he was on restriction. I had no way of knowing if the tracker was going to bring him down. I had no way of knowing if the Horizon House had even told him that I was in labor or if they would let him come. I called my mom in Salt Lake (about 4 hours away) and told her that I was in the hospital. She was torn, my sister was leaving for girls camp the next day and she didn't want to leave her alone. Alone? You mean for the 12 hours until she leaves? I didn't know how much more alone I could be. I prayed with all my heart that Court would be able to come down so that I wouldn't be alone anymore.
For some reason I wasn't dilating even after they had given me pitocin . At about 10 pm Dr. Lunt decided that it would be better to take me off the pitocin and let me sleep throughout the night and re-start it in the morning. What a blessing it was, that I wasn't dilating. There was zero chance that Courtney could have been there that day.
My mom arrived that morning at about 2 am. My mother in law had been there with me all day, its funny how even with people you love surrounding you, in an experience like this, you feel detached from them. They couldn't take my husbands place.
The next morning they started my pitocin again and labor progressed pretty rapidly. I received a call from the Tracker and they told me that they were going to have Courtney down as soon as they could. He was coming!!! That was around 9:30 am. At 1:44 pm Ivie came out all on her own with only 3 pushes from me. I wasn't ready yet. Court still wasn't there.
He came in about 10 minutes later. I almost flew out of bed when I saw him (except I was completely numb from my epidural) He was like a deer in the headlights. So much was going on around him. Poor guy.
We were taken into another room where he washed Ivie and we got to spend a little time alone. I missed him so bad. The Horizon House was hard, he was second guessing everything, answering questions the way he thought they wanted him too. He hated it.
2 hours after he arrived he had to leave.
He called me that night in tears. They had drug tested him when he got back and the test came back positive. He had not used, I knew that for a fact. I racked my brain with how he could have tested positive. Had the medication that I took been transferred to him when I kissed him? He said that they were going to send the test out for further analysis.
I was furious and confused and stressed out. 5 hours after giving birth this crazy house of counselors with no degrees were accusing my husband of getting high while he was at the hospital. I felt like I was screaming my prayers into the ceiling and they were just coming right back down to me. I needed an answer. I need to know HOW to make it so Courtney could come home to our new family. (There's my Co-Dependency flaring again....)
To Be Continued...