"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend" (underline added)
Continued from Part 1:
On May 7, 2003 I was particularly lost. I had a doctors appointment that day and Court couldn't come in with me because he was too sick. That night I made him pray with me. It had been so long since I had talked to my Father in Heaven. Would he even listen? I had created so much chaos in my life, He had to hate me. But I still prayed. I made Courtney kneel down with me and prayed with all my heart that He could cure Court's addiction. I told him how lost and lonely I was, how I couldn't bring a baby into this crazy life. I plead with him to help Courtney get off of pills. I know that God can work miracles according to our faith and I KNEW that he could heal Court. He did, just not in a way that I could comprehend. Isn't it funny how that seems to work out?
The very next day Courtney was arrested. He was working at a call center, the owners of the call center were involved in some major illegal activity and the DEA came and raided it. Courtney had a syringe and spoon on him. I was at work (still in the mall but in a jewelry store) when he called me from Purgatory. He told me what had happened and I IMMEDIATELY flew into full fledged Co-Dependent Chaos. I had to save him! I had to come up with $10,000 to bail him out....NOW!
I couldn't figure out why this was happening....I had just prayed to Heavenly Father, I had told him that I was overwhelmed to the brink of insanity. He knew my heart, didn't he know that I was expecting him to just take Courts addiction away? No consequences, no reproductions, I had already suffered enough. Oh my naive mind! I couldn't see then that this whole situation was guided by God himself. He did know my heart. He knew I needed a husband that was sober for himself, not for any other reason.
Courtney's uncle was working for Washington County District Attorney Office at the time. We immediately called him to see what was going to happen from here. He told us that if we left him in jail that he would qualify for drug court and upon completion he would have his record wiped clean.
When I told Court the plan he lost it. He told me that he never should have married someone that wasn't going to help him. He told me that he would never leave me in jail. He terrified me with the worry of something happening to him while he was in there. He told me he missed me and was ready to come home and be a good husband. He told me he would never use again. He told me that he would never talk to me again. He told me he would never call. He told me he was so sorry and he loved me. As you can see Addicts are manipulative, he was telling me everything that I wanted to hear and everything I didn't want to hear in order to get me to bail him out. I probably would have done it a million times over in my moments of weakness if I had $10,000. That is one of the only times in my life that I am glad I was broke.
The first time I went to the jail to visit him will forever be ingrained in my mind. They take you to this really long hallway that is sectioned off. There is a chair, a phone and a tiny TV in each section. I sat there nervous as can be while they took him to a room with a phone and TV in it too. He looked so different. He was gaining weight. His hair was long and he was growing a beard. He was not happy to see me. For the next 15 minutes he answered my questions with "yes" or "no". When he finally did talk he told me how much he hated being in there and he couldn't believe that I of all people would leave him there. Heartbreak. I loved him so much and now I was even more alone than I was when he was home, His family was wonderful, but mine was hours away and I was not very open with them about the situation. I felt all alone in this world, with only our unborn Ivie to keep me company.
This was our life for the next 2 1/2 months. On Saturdays we could go and see him in person behind a huge plexi-glass wall. He was starting to smile again, he was acting more and more like the person that I felt in my heart he could be. He was happier and he was sober.
At the time Drug Court was handled by a company called Southwest Center. It is the same place that he had gone to the Reach program at 8 months prior. The counselors are assigned to inmates to evaluate them and see if they are a good candidate for Drug Court. Courtney's counselors were named Angie and Aaron. My Co-Dependent controlling self immediately contacted them and set up a meeting. They HAD to know our situation. He HAD to get into Drug Court. They told me that for severe cases there was a 90 day minimum inpatient program in Cedar City called The Horizon House that they would send people to before they were admitted into Drug Court. Angie assured me that Court would not have to go there. I believed her.
I also wanted to tell you how FREAKIN expensive it is to have someone call you from jail. $500.00 in phone bills every month. Highway robbery I tell you.
Finally it was the morning of his court date (court was at 5:00 pm). Angie and Aaron told me earlier in the week that they were going to be recommending that Courtney was accepted into drug court and I was so glad that he was finally going to be coming home!!!
Aaron called me that afternoon. He told me that they had spoken to the counselors that dealt with Courtney at Reach, these counselors had recommend The Horizon House to the judge and that's what the judge had decided was the best thing.
He wasn't going to come home today.
He wasn't going to come home for at least 90 days.
I only had 4 weeks left in my pregnancy. He wasn't going to be home in time to be there when Ivie was born.
The life drained out of me. I have never in my life wailed uncontrollably except for at this moment. I lost feeling in my legs and collapsed. I was completely inconsolable and void of any feeling at the same time. Why would Heavenly Father do this to me? Why would he do it to our baby? WHY?
We went into the courthouse that evening and Court was smiling. He didn't know that he wasn't coming home. The second he saw my face he knew that our plans had changed.
To Be Continued....