I have had some very strong feelings lately that I need to tell my story. I am at a turning point in my blog where I need to decide if it is about me, all of me or about my awesome home decorating skills alone. I have decided that what you read here at Vintage Revivals is me 100% love it or leave it. This will be a story that's broken into parts. Its very emotional for me to share and it takes a lot of time to write it the way people can understand.
I am not writing this so that anyone feels bad for me.
I am not writing this so that people can criticize my family or my choices.
I am writing my story for the people who are secretly or not so secretly suffering, with someone else's addiction or their own.
I pray that my story will give hope a chance to grow in your heart. Recovery (notice I said Recovery and not Recovered) is a miracle. I will get religious on you, if you aren't comfortable with that, I am sorry. The miracle of the Atonement is why my life has changed. If you know me or my husband personally I hope that knowing our struggles will make you love us more. But if not that's OK too.
I believe that EVERY.SINGLE. one of us have a story to tell. Its at times a devastatingly sad story. Other times is wonderful, full of hope and light. I hope you will share yours with someone. Its in sharing that we find healing. Here's ours.
"This is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance and this is my joy.
"And behold, when I see many of my brethren truly penitent, and coming to the Lord their God, then is my soul filled with joy; then do I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he hath heard my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he extended towards me"
(Book of Mormon)
My husband Courtney is the kindest person. He is so charismatic, people are just drawn to him. He is HILARIOUS and an all around wonderful person. When addiction takes a hold of someones life, they change. They become withdrawn and depressed. They are angry and deceitful. Addicts are manipulative and selfish. My husband acting on his own accord is none of those things. I just wanted to make that crystal clear....moving on.
Courtney and I were both raised as Latter Day Saints (Mormon) He stopped going to church when he was 16. I stopped when I moved to college and my parents couldn't make me. Neither one of us were active at this time in our lives. I just want to clear that up too because the things that went on obviously are not supported by the LDS church.
It all began one November day in 2001. I was working in the mall selling fake hair (LOL I know right?) This super cute lady came up and I was talking to her about well....fake hair. She said to me "You are so cute! You should meet my son." Of course what new college student would pass that opportunity up? I told her to send him in. Well, he never came. This could be the end of our story but luckily its not. I saw her a week or so later and asked "What the french lady! He never came in!" She told me that he had, but I was talking to another guy and he didn't want to interrupt. My bad. She called him right then and there. Next thing I knew he was on his way over. Let me just say that its a good thing I had access to fake hair, cause I totally did not get ready that day.
I can still vividly remember him walking around the corner of my cart. He had on a green shirt and totally longish flowy hair. No joke, his hair was awesome. He was so HOT! The second that I saw him, it was like I recognized him. I knew I was going to marry him, cross my heart.
About 3 months into our relationship Courtney came to me and told me that he was an addict. His parents told him that he needed to come clean with me or they would. I am, at this point in my life completely naive to EVERYTHING like this. I to this day have never smoked or done any type of drug. I didn't even know what alcohol smelled like. So Court comes to me and says that he is addicted to Loratab. And right then and there I decided I was going to save him. I was going to love him so much that he wouldn't be able to use any more. I was going to be the reason why he changed. If you have ever dealt with an addict you are familiar with these feelings.
It took me years to learn that I didn't cause his addiction, I couldn't control it, and I couldn't stop it. But I am getting ahead of myself.
6 months after finding this out we were engaged. My parents supported our wedding and our relationship 0%. Why would anyone in their right mind be OK with their daughter marrying an addict? Exactly. We decided that we were going to be married in Nov. Courtney started going to an outpatient treatment program called Reach. By this time he was no longer snorting Loratab, he had begun injecting Oxy Contin. There was no controlling it. He dropped out of rehab when they told him that he needed to go to an inpatient program. Needless to say our wedding didn't happen in November.
On December 27, 2002 I found out that I was pregnant with our oldest daughter Ivie. I was overwhelmed to say the least. Courtney was ecstatic. There was no way that my family could stop us from getting married now. He stopped injecting Oxy Contin and started taking Methadone. We were married on Feb 8, 2003. All of the money that we got from our wedding Courtney used to buy pills. Fairly soon after the wedding he began injecting Oxy Contin again.
I remember one night, he came into our room terrified that he had taken to much. He pulled a syringe out from his pocket that contained salt water. He told me that if his heart stopped I needed to inject him with the salt water to start his heart again. TOTALLY NOT TRUE. Do not take my drug addict husbands advice if you are ever in that situation. I was only 20 years old when all of this was going on. Court was 24.
Our lives were in complete chaos. Here I am young, pregnant, and completely confused, lonely, lost, and guilty that I was not helping him. I was wrapped in my own addiction and didn't even know it.
On May 7, 2003 I was particularly lost. I had a doctors appointment that day and Court couldn't come in with me because he was too sick. That night I made him pray with me. It had been so long since I had talked to my Father in Heaven. Would he even listen? I had created so much chaos in my life, He had to hate me. But I still prayed. I made Courtney kneel down with me and prayed with all my heart that He could cure Court's addiction. I told him how lost and lonely I was, how I couldn't bring a baby into this crazy life. I plead with him to help Courtney get off of pills. I know that God can work miracles according to our faith and I KNEW that he could heal Court. He did, just not in a way that I could comprehend. Isn't it funny how that seems to work out?
To Be Continued....